I'm Back Again.

So one of the biggest things in my life at the moment is my family, and not for a good reason. Most of my family think we are all really close. I'm one of the few that realize what's really happening.

I can't help but think of what she could do to herself. She has been in this state of mind for a while now, I hardly see her let alone talk to her. I'm scared of what she might so. I'm pretty sure whatever I say to her she won't listen to. Any advice?

I'm starting to fear everything. Everyday in the news it's always got something about someone being stabbed, shot or raped. there is nowhere that's safe anymore. The safest place I can think of right now is... Actually I can't think of anywhere.

I'm starting to give up on everything and everyone, most likely because it's the way I believe I am treated. Given up on. So I am sorry if you think it's just you and if I offend you. I don't know why I'm saying sorry, nobody says it to me.

Oh and before I forget I would like to make you all aware of the comment made on my last blog, we 'normal' kids are always the ones with the shittiest childhood full of abuse, violence and trauma. We aren't really that normal.

Thank You For Reading.
Have A Nice Life.
Bye.

I'm Back.

So I haven't posted in a while. I'm not in the best of moods, so if you get depressed by reading depressing things, then I warn you DON'T read on!

They expect us to walk alone, but seriously it's too hard. I wish we could just say straight out that we are lonely and scared. I need you to tell me that I don't have to be by myself, I want to be promised that things won't always be this bad. I'm laughing but really I'm crying on the inside. I just want this nightmare to be over with.

Smart people aren't the only people in the world. I like doing things as well I'm not a hermit crab that stays in my home all the time, I like going places as well. All alone while everyone sees daylight.

Have you ever felt:
- Loneliness
- Fear
- Guilt
- Confusion
- Rejection
- Discomfort
And the list goes on...
You probably have felt all these things but to what extent? Have you had it every day of your life knowing that it probably won't ever go away? Yes to all of that.
A lot of people think I'm and idiot, think it's nothing, believe it will go away the second something good happens, well the truth is it won't it's not that easy, it would be one of the hardest things to go through in your life. Unfortunately I can't go through it I have to live with it everyday, all week, every month, all year for the rest of my life. Try having someone really close to you die daily and maybe then you might feel half of what I go through.


Probably sick of me by now.
So.... Bye.

Not the best.

Hello again.

I want to get out of here. It's doing my head in. I have nothing to do, nobody to talk to, nobody to go somewhere with. So I think this is the end. I'm not looking forward to the next 2 weeks. Everyone has got plans and I'm stuck at home doing homework.

I can't be bothered writing anymore, I'm just not in the mood.

So Bye.

The Only One.

So why does it always feel like I'm the only one
The lonely one
And every-body else is the same
I thank you for pointing out where I am going wrong
Keep going wrong
And nothings making sense
Silent screams in my defense

And the best thing about this place
Is it looks good from outer space
But there's nothing
Nothing, here for me
And the rules that you make never let me win
Cos I'm always a freak that can never fit in
Is there some place
Somewhere
Cos the best thing around is the road that leads out of here

Na na na na na na na na na na na na,
Na na na na, na na na na na na na na-a-a-a

Sometimes I wish that I could be a part of it
A part that fits
And people called me by my name
Pretend that I'm fascinated by what's going on
What wars were won
I promise that I'll be nice
And thanks for all your help and advice

And the best thing about this place
Is it looks good from outer space
But there's nothing
Nothing, here for me
And the rules that you make never let me win
Cos I'm always a freak that can never fit in
Is there some place
Somewhere
Cos the best thing around is the road that leads out of here

And when you look back at the photos of everyone
Of everyone
I wonder whatever become of that face
Stuck in the middle of your chart
So say goodbye as I walk
I'll send you a postcard from New York

And the best thing about this place
Is it looks good from outer space
But there's nothing
Nothing, here for me
And the rules that you make never let me win
Cos I'm always a freak that can never fit in
Is there some place
Somewhere
Cos the best thing around is the road that leads out of here

Wasting your time again.

I really do like blogging but it seems like I'm trying to seek attention through my blogs. I don't want it to be that way. All I know is that it won't stop me blogging. To me blogging is like the new type of diary, only difference is that everyone on the net can read it.

I'm really happy that you're happy, I'm not sure if you realized the part of my last blog that was for you or not because you haven't said anything, but I hope you did.

I'm finally getting somewhere I've finally made some great decisions. Hopefully they don't backfire like the rest.

Oh and... I apologize to the people that go to my party in advance, I'm sorry if there's no music you like, if it is extremely boring, and basically if you don't enjoy it.

Hmm.. Ok then.
Bye
Tell you some more of what's happening in my hollow head soon.
Enjoy your day/night.

And here we go again.

I may as well just give up, I'm trying to navigate through a broken path that I may have helped create. There's a voice without a face, should I be afraid or is it just a voice I created. Should I fight it or should I leave it. I won't fight it for now because I don't know what it is.

I don't know what I'm waiting for... I want to know if it's worth the wait. This is going to take some time to know what I'm trying to find. But it wont take too long to figure out right from wrong. Switch off and let it go...

If you didn't notice all that was parts of songs put in to my words.

This part is for you. Honestly. It's nice to know you are there, it's nice to know there's someone who wants to listen. I'll let you know why I don't want to talk face-to-face about what I'm going through... It's because I feel stupid that I get upset and pissed off with all these small things building up inside and knocking me over like a leaf, when there are other people in the world with far worse things going on in their lives. I always thought I was strong and I wouldn't end up like this... Turns out I'm wrong. And that's why you'll probably never realize how much I thank you for everything you've done.

Bye.

Wishes...

I'm going crazy, there's too much to think about so much that confuses me. Gahh, I wish school was over with. I wish I had a job. I wish I had something to describe who I am. I wish I had my own room. I wish I had my own place. I wish I lived down south or in the country somewhere, somewhere that no-one cares what you wear, or what you look like. I would love to be able to go out somewhere in trackies and a jumper and not get weird looks from EVERYONE that sees me.
I wish I could go out and not worry about how much I spend. I wish I knew what the future holds for me. I wish my families would all just talk so it wouldn't be so awkward for me. I wish I was someone else. Yeah I know I have a lot of things I'd wish for so maybe when I find a genie I'll wish for a couple hundred more wishes.

I wish everything was how it used to be, I wish my group of friends weren't falling apart. I wish it was like how it was at the end of year nine. I wish I went to high school with all my friends I grew up with. I wish Woodvale would get over their selves; they aren't that great of a school.

I don't understand why I have to put up with so much shit.
Everyone says I'm hell smart but I don't show it, and I guess it's true.

I love knowing that your always here for me, well you always say that anyway, it's gotten awkward lately, you've seemed to of forgotten the old times, it seems you are sick of it all and you've moved on, it's like the old times are now second possibly even last in your social life, and you've found something else. But I may just be tired and over reacting. Please tell me I am, because I really do miss the old times.

Bye for now.

Friends.

So lately I've been really concerned with a few of my friends.

They aren't happy and it's really obvious. but they wont speak about it. I hate it when I see people like this. But I'm not sure what I can do. I'm fed up sitting there with them about to burst into tears.
Gah! It really annoys me that they think they can't come to me and talk. I don't mind trying to help them, I just don't want to see them like this.

Blah Blah Blah!

Yesterday was an unusual day... It was.. Awkward?... I don't know why though. Maybe because people know that I'm trying to be someone I'm not, but all in all I love the people around me. I don't think they realize how much I miss them or how grateful I am to have them as friends. Something is changing thought something I knew was coming but I didn't it to be anytime soon. We are all taking our separate lives we are no longer equal, we all have out hopes and dreams.... Well some people do. I'm not sure where I'm headed I don't want to take life as it comes too much, I want something to do, somewhere to go. I want all my worries to get on a plane and fuck off out of my life. But no matter how much I wish it won't happen because this isn't a movie this is reality, unfortunately there is no way to escape, no where to go.

So on another note; I;m thinking of leaving school and going to tafe I'm going to apply next week hopefully. i don't want anyone to know because everyone will somehow talk me out of it. I do want to leave school because I'm not getting anything out of it.

I'm getting by a few things as well lately:

- It seems my family is falling apart, they are all turning against each other.

- I have no one to talk to anymore, except you Mr. Blog, thank you for being here for me.

- I'm scared of having a party this year even though I really really want one. I don't want it to epically fail but I don't even know what to do, I can't really just invite friends over just to sit there for a couple hours... can I?

Ehh that's all for now I'm going now.

Thanks for reading if you did let me know if you did and don't forget to follow me for more uninteresting blogs.

Bye for now.

Gahh!

I feel like I don't belong around here. I'm not wanted. What's the point of getting up in the morning. What's the point in staying here. Why don't I just leave, why? I think I know why I think it's because of the stress everyone will be under or possibly how happy they'll be. But who knows. I'm sick of being a slave. Sick of being used. Sick of feeling left out. Sick of feeling like an outcast. But then again there is other people that have gone/are going through a harder time then me. But I have had a bad life. I have had a life of unwantedness. I've never been a child. I've never been allowed to live like anyone else my age. I've always been a mother figure for all the people around me. I'm the person everyone relies on, the person that makes the decisions on what to have for dinner whether it be half cooked eggs or maybe a couple pieces of mouldy bread. But in the end there is always someone wanting me to get them something. And now you wonder why I get pissed off easliy. Well it's not bloody easy being everyones slave. It's not something I want to o. It's something you all took advantage of. My genorosity to people is now slavery. You feel sorry for the children in third world countries but what about me? How am I any different to them I'm a slave I deserve more appreciation, don'y I?

Ahh fuck it. No point going on noone will care.

Thanks for reading.... I think.

The main part that made me who I am.

My Mum and Dad split up when I was 1½ years old. My older brother, Mitchell, my younger sister, Josslyn and I lived with our Mum and saw our Dad on weekends and sometimes during the week. With our Mum we lived in refuges, a few couples, and a couple of homeswest houses. When my parents were together we lived in Clarkson. When we lived with our Mum we lived in Balga and Doubleview. In 2004 my Mum told my brother, sister and I, that she had a boyfriend, Glenn. I didn’t like the thought of having him around; when I met him I knew straight away I wasn’t going to like him.

We lived in Doubleview and he lived in Kingsley with his brother, Paul and one of their friends, Calum. They let friends stay at the house if they needed somewhere to stay. Glenn worked on the mines so he was only around for a week, and was away on the mines for 2 weeks. He stayed at our place when he was down, or we all had to stay at his house. Calum met my Aunty Carol and they started going out, eventually Calum moved out and started living down south with my Aunty.

All of my family could see though him, except my Mum. He treated my sister like she shouldn’t be on the earth. Glenn and Paul always thought they were better than everyone. The only person Glenn seemed to have respect for was my Mum’s Dad. My Mum found out she was pregnant, I hated the idea that I’d have a little baby brother or sister. My Mum told everyone in the family except my grandma. No one was allowed to tell her because my Mum thought she’d go crazy at her. She eventually told her, and as my Mum thought, she went crazy. It wasn’t because she wasn’t pleased; it was because how Glenn treated us all the time, she believed he didn’t deserve a child of his own, because she thought he wouldn’t care about his child.

My Mum and Glenn decided to move in together, so we all moved to Woodvale. Glenn still treated us like dirt and he started telling me things about my Mum, which I knew weren’t true; he was just trying to rev me up. It worked I was quite happy to hurt him I think even kill him. I knew it wouldn’t work; he was so much bigger and stronger than me. I knew I wouldn’t be able to protect myself if I tried to hurt him. I just tried to ignore him and walk away.

Things like that went on for ages. My Mum had my little brother, Lucas, in February 2006. I love him to bits. Before he was born I never wanted him around, but now I know that wasn’t true, I always want to be around him. Even after Lucas was born, Glenn was still the same he never changed and I doubt he ever will.

His brother, Paul still lived in Kingsley with a few friends; we went around there when Glenn was off work. My Mum went to the shops to get a few things for dinner so my sister and I went in the pool; I had gone to the side of the pool because I couldn’t touch the ground. Glenn was trying to impress his friends, so he tipped alcohol on my head, Glenn and all his mates laughed. I went off and swore at him, -it wasn’t the first time I’d done it- he shouted at me and told me not to talk like that to him or I’d get what was coming to me, I basically told him to stick it and not to tell me what to do because he’s not my father. He continued shouting at me but I ran off, so I didn’t hear him.

Paul moved in to our house. To Glenn and Paul we were their slaves. My sister spent all her time in her room so she didn’t have to put up with them, yet somehow they still seemed to get to her. I always looked after Lucas after school so my Mum could do what she needed to.

One night I was sitting outside feeding Lucas some dinner, we were having a barbeque. Glenn told me to stop sitting around doing nothing and go and get the food for the barbeque. I snapped at him and shouted “are you blind?! I’m feeding your son, something you’ve never done!” My Mum walked outside to see what was going on, I stood up and gave Lucas to Glenn and shouted “Here!! Here’s your son, why don’t you grow up, and learn how to look after your own child, instead of people doing it for you!” Glenn just laughed.

I went to my room, I heard my Mum going off at him I remember her saying “Don’t you dare talk to my children like that again! You self-centred, cold hearted pig. You know she doesn’t deserve to be spoken to like that. She looks after Lucas, more than you ever could imagine”. She came to my room and she was crying, so was I. I could hear Glenn laughing outside.

He left the next morning for work so I didn’t see him for 2 weeks; needless to say I was extremely happy. When he came home he never spoke to me, he was lucky, I think if he did both my Mum and I would have had a go at him.

Things calmed down over the summer holidays, because we were at our Dads house. In February 2008 it was Lucas’ 2^nd birthday we had a party, but because Glenn’s birthday is a week later, he had his party with Lucas, because he would be at work. We invited all the family but they couldn’t make it because they all live down south. Only my Mum’s step-Dad and all Glenn’s mates came. My Mum’s best friend came and another one of Mums friends.

The party started about 6pm, they were all drinking. Glenn and his mates were making Lucas get their beers from the shed, and put the old bottles in the bin. Lucas could walk by himself, so he slid across the ground on his bum; they all thought it was hilarious. Glenn’s mates were the only people left at about 9:30pm. Everyone else had gone. Glenn and his mates decided to go into Northbridge about 11:30ish. My Mum said he’s not allowed to because had had already said they were going to the pub, but Mum knew that that’s not where they went.

My Mum yelled at him, he just laughed, by then she was really annoyed with him. She threw things off the bench, she threw a plastic chair at him and a couple of glass bottles they all missed, and he just kept laughing at her. They were all extremely drunk.

I remember her shouting “Why do you think I tried to kill myself twice?! Because of you!! You are the worst person I’ve ever met!” she walked out the front and grabbed a shovel. She shouted at Glenn to try and stop her. I went out the front with Lucas; he had been woken up with the noise. It was about 1:45am now. Mum pulled the shovel over her shoulder, and slammed it down on the back window of the car. I tried getting her to come inside, but she shouted at me to go inside.

I took Lucas to my room, Mitchell was in his room, Josslyn was picked up by Dad at about midnight, and she’d been living with Dad for the year. That also really upset Mum. I put Lucas in my bed and I sat in the corner of the room. I heard the cops, so I quickly got into bed, I held onto Lucas like I was about to lose him.

I was listening to the cops yelling at my Mum, and my Mum yelling back. I could hear Glenn making false claims to the cops. Eventually they got more cops because they couldn’t control Mum. I fell asleep. In the morning at about 7am my phone rang, it was my Nan she was very distressed, she told me to get ready and get Mitchell; Dad was on his way to pick us up, because Mum had been arrested.

Dad arrived and I put Lucas in his cot and had to leave him there. Glenn and his mates were all asleep. I locked the door and left. I called my Aunty to tell her what had happened she tried to do as much as she could, but living down south she couldn’t do much. She rang my Grandma and told her, she came straight up to Perth to find her. She went to every Police Station she could think of. They told her that they didn’t arrest her. They took her to a Woman’s Refuge in Perth. She went there, but my Mum wasn’t there.

My Grandma drove around the streets and still couldn’t find her. She called my Aunty and told her what was happening. My Aunty called the hospitals; my Mum was at King Edward Hospital getting treatment for her Depression. With no medication, water, money or a phone she was trapped. The police had gone on Patrol and spotted her, so they took her to the hospital.

My Grandma took her back home with her. A couple of days later they came back to Perth for Lucas because Glenn wasn’t capable of looking after him. They got some clothes and went back down south, they lived with my Aunty. The following week they went to get all their belongings from the house, but Glenn and Paul were too abusive, so they had to leave. On the Monday, Mitchell and I went to get all our belongings. On the Wednesday my Mum and Grandma went back to the house with the Police, just in case something happened. Mum got the car and all her belongings she got all our beds, and everything she bought, Glenn and Paul were annoyed because they had basically nothing after. They had ago at them so the cops stepped in and made Glenn and Paul leave the house for a couple of hours, so Mum could get all of her things.

Mum eventually moved back to Perth with Lucas. They stayed in a refuge in Perth for about 7 months. They got a rental in Yanchep and are still there 2 years later. Mitchell, Josslyn and I live with our Dad, Nan and Grandad in Koondoola. Lucas sees Glenn every 3 weeks. We still get problems from Glenn and Paul but nowhere near as bad as they were.

Well thats all for now.